Tommy Cooper quotes

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'