Woody Allen quotes

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

A ''Bay Area Bisexual'' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.