"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

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More quotes from: Fred Allen

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• "A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "
• "A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and ..."
• "A vice president in an advertising agency is a "molehill man" who has until 5 ..."
• "An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "
• "An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "
• "Batten, Barton, Durstine and Osborne - sounds like a trunk falling down a flight of ..."
• "California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "
• "Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group ..."
• "Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. "
• "Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut. "
• "He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half ..."
• "Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just ..."
• "Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star. "
• "I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what ..."
• "I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when ..."
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• "I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "
• "I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you ..."
• "I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the ..."
• "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. "

• "I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy. "
• "I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, ..."
• "Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "
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• "Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of ..."
• "Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then ..."
• "Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them ..."
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• "Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "
• "The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed. "
• "The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a ..."
• "The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "
• "The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "
• "The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own ..."
• "The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on ..."
• "Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. "
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• "We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian ..."
• "What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? "
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