"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."

Rating:

  rate this quote
Topic: none  help us select a topic for this quote

More quotes from: Rodney Dangerfield

• "A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. ..."
• "Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time ..."
• "At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the ..."
• "I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and ..."
• "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and ..."
• "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an ..."
• "I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. "
• "I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician ..."
• "I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the ..."
• "I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. "
• "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. "
• "I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. "
• "I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. "
• "I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. "
• "I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger ..."
• "I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. "
• "I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a ..."
• "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - ..."
• "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then ..."
• "I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. "
• "I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. "

• "I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. "
• "I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. ..."
• "I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or ..."
• "If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. "
• "It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she ..."
• "Life is just a bowl of pits. "
• "Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. "
• "Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, ..."
• "My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was ..."
• "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. "
• "My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias. "
• "My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her ..."
• "My mother had morning sickness after I was born. "
• "My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a ..."
• "My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. ..."
• "My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the ..."
• "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met! "
• "My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, ..."
• "My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to ..."
• "My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's ..."

• "My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and ..."
• "On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. "
• "One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. "
• "Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves ..."
• "The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. "
• "They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another. "
• "This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing ..."
• "We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're ..."
• "What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. "
• "What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and ..."
• "When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. "
• "When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. "
• "With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex ..."
• "With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday ..."
• "Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He ..."