"I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to."

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More quotes from: Dave Barry

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• "As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "
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• "Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "
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• "Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way ..."
• "DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables. "
• "Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant. "
• "Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is ..."
• "Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "
• "'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. "
• "Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "
• "Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that ..."
• "Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "
• "For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour, metric equivalent: ..."
• "For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ..."
• "Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato. "
• "Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by ..."
• "Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part ..."
• "Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "
• "Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is ..."
• "Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always ..."
• "I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. ..."
• "I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of ..."
• "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument ..."
• "I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; ..."
• "I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can ..."
• "I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks ..."
• "I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "
• "I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around ..."
• "I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, ..."
• "I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and ..."
• "I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software ..."
• "I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through ..."
• "I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I ..."
• "I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not ..."

• "I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that ..."
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• "If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he ..."
• "If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I ..."
• "If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "
• "If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two ..."
• "If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for ..."
• "In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can ..."
• "In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West - ..."
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• "In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused ..."
• "It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for ..."
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• "It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not ..."
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• "Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "
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• "Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five ..."
• "Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items ..."
• "MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz. "
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• "Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "
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• "Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "
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• "Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "
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• "Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the ..."
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• "There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "
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