"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories."

Rating:

  rate this quote
Topic: none  help us select a topic for this quote

More quotes from: Dave Barry

• "A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of ..."
• "A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it ..."
• "Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon! And ..."
• "Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who ..."
• "American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. ..."
• "American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including ..."
• "And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a ..."
• "Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been ..."
• "As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "
• "Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per ..."
• "Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a ..."
• "Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a ..."
• "Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? ..."
• "Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than ..."
• "Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "
• "Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the ..."
• "Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions ..."
• "Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way ..."
• "DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables. "
• "Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant. "
• "Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is ..."
• "Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "
• "'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. "
• "Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "
• "Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that ..."
• "Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "
• "For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour, metric equivalent: ..."
• "For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ..."
• "Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato. "
• "Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by ..."
• "Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part ..."
• "Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "
• "Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is ..."
• "Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always ..."
• "I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. ..."
• "I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of ..."
• "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument ..."
• "I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; ..."
• "I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can ..."
• "I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks ..."
• "I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "
• "I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around ..."
• "I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, ..."
• "I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and ..."
• "I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software ..."
• "I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would ..."
• "I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through ..."
• "I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I ..."

• "I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that ..."
• "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's ..."
• "If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he ..."
• "If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I ..."
• "If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "
• "If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two ..."
• "If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for ..."
• "In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can ..."
• "In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West - ..."
• "In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish ..."
• "In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused ..."
• "It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for ..."
• "It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask ..."
• "It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take ..."
• "It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when ..."
• "It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not ..."
• "Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and ..."
• "Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "
• "Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping ..."
• "Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five ..."
• "Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items ..."
• "MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz. "
• "Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International, a cramped and dingy labyrinth, ..."
• "More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers ..."
• "Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which ..."
• "My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as ..."
• "My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into ..."
• "My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what ..."
• "Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "
• "Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is ..."
• "Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "
• "Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there ..."
• "Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of ..."
• "People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to ..."
• "Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring ..."
• "Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "
• "Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games ..."
• "Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "
• "Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "
• "Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that ..."
• "Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called ..."
• "Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England ..."
• "Speaking of music: We also had our consciousness raised several feet by the experience of ..."
• "Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we ..."
• "Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part ..."
• "Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the ..."
• "Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually ..."

• "The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again ..."
• "The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the ..."
• "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "
• "The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison... Edison's first major invention, in ..."
• "The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye ..."
• "The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer ..."
• "The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I ..."
• "The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since ..."
• "The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat. "
• "The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "
• "The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and ..."
• "The members took turns lighting sparklers and signing their John Hancocks to the Declaration, with ..."
• "The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "
• "The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish ..."
• "The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber ..."
• "The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from ..."
• "The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally ..."
• "The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely ..."
• "The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about ..."
• "The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "
• "The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes ..."
• "The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, ..."
• "The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "
• "The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty ..."
• "The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "
• "The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of ..."
• "There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your ..."
• "There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "
• "This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as ..."
• "Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count ..."
• "To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "
• "To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the ..."
• "UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 ..."
• "Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your ..."
• "We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, ..."
• "We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who ..."
• "We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety ..."
• "We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about ..."
• "We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain ..."
• "We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong ..."
• "What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "
• "What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? ..."
• "What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute ..."
• "While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on ..."
• "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant ..."
• "You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet: exactly how ..."
• "Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined ..."