"Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."

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More quotes from: Dave Barry

• "A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of ..."
• "A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it ..."
• "Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon! And ..."
• "Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who ..."
• "American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. ..."
• "American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including ..."
• "And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a ..."
• "Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been ..."
• "As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. "
• "Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per ..."
• "Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a ..."
• "Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a ..."
• "Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? ..."
• "Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than ..."
• "Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. "
• "Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the ..."
• "Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions ..."
• "Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way ..."
• "DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables. "
• "Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant. "
• "Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is ..."
• "Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. "
• "'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. "
• "Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything. "
• "Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that ..."
• "Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. "
• "For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour, metric equivalent: ..."
• "For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ..."
• "Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato. "
• "Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by ..."
• "Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part ..."
• "Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. "
• "Harvard University, according to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is ..."
• "Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always ..."
• "I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. ..."
• "I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of ..."
• "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument ..."
• "I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than actually driving anywhere; ..."
• "I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can ..."
• "I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks ..."
• "I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. "
• "I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around ..."
• "I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, ..."
• "I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and ..."
• "I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software ..."
• "I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would ..."
• "I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through ..."
• "I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I ..."

• "I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not ..."
• "I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that ..."
• "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's ..."
• "If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he ..."
• "If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I ..."
• "If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. "
• "If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two ..."
• "If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for ..."
• "In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can ..."
• "In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West - ..."
• "In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish ..."
• "In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused ..."
• "It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for ..."
• "It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask ..."
• "It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take ..."
• "It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when ..."
• "It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not ..."
• "Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. "
• "Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping ..."
• "Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five ..."
• "Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items ..."
• "MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz. "
• "Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International, a cramped and dingy labyrinth, ..."
• "More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers ..."
• "Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which ..."
• "My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as ..."
• "My son does not appreciate classical musicians such as the Stones; he is more into ..."
• "My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what ..."
• "Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. "
• "Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is ..."
• "Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. "
• "Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there ..."
• "Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of ..."
• "People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to ..."
• "Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring ..."
• "Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. "
• "Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games ..."
• "Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. "
• "Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. "
• "Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that ..."
• "Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called ..."
• "Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England ..."
• "Speaking of music: We also had our consciousness raised several feet by the experience of ..."
• "Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we ..."
• "Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part ..."
• "Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the ..."
• "Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually ..."

• "The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again ..."
• "The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the ..."
• "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. "
• "The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison... Edison's first major invention, in ..."
• "The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye ..."
• "The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer ..."
• "The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I ..."
• "The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since ..."
• "The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat. "
• "The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. "
• "The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and ..."
• "The members took turns lighting sparklers and signing their John Hancocks to the Declaration, with ..."
• "The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. "
• "The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish ..."
• "The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber ..."
• "The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from ..."
• "The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally ..."
• "The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely ..."
• "The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about ..."
• "The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. "
• "The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes ..."
• "The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, ..."
• "The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. "
• "The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty ..."
• "The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. "
• "The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of ..."
• "There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your ..."
• "There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. "
• "This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as ..."
• "Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count ..."
• "To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. "
• "To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the ..."
• "UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 ..."
• "Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your ..."
• "We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, ..."
• "We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who ..."
• "We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety ..."
• "We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about ..."
• "We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain ..."
• "We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong ..."
• "What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. "
• "What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? ..."
• "What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute ..."
• "While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on ..."
• "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant ..."
• "You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet: exactly how ..."
• "Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined ..."