"Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught."

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More quotes from: Ambrose Bierce

• "A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks ..."
• "A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity ..."
• "Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. "
• "Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. ..."
• "Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends. "
• "Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. "
• "Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. "
• "Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough ..."
• "Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. "
• "All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher. "
• "Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. "
• "An egotist is a person of low taste-more interested in himself than in me. "
• "Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. "
• "Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. "
• "Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. "
• "Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. "
• "Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not ..."
• "Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. "
• "Being is desirable because it is identical with Beauty, and Beauty is loved because it ..."
• "Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example ..."
• "Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not ..."
• "Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. "
• "Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. "
• "Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. "
• "Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. "
• "Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. "
• "Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly ..."
• "Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which ..."
• "Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - I think that I think, therefore I think that ..."
• "Confidante. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C. "
• "Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal ..."
• "Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon. "
• "Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. "
• "Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. "
• "Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ..."
• "Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. "
• "Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. "
• "Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate. "
• "Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver. "

• "Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered ..."
• "Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. "
• "Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible. "
• "Doubt is the father of invention. "
• "Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent ..."
• "Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, ..."
• "Education, n.: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of ..."
• "Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. "
• "Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. "
• "Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. "
• "Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth ..."
• "Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of ..."
• "Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. "
• "Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. "
• "Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and ..."
• "Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care ..."
• "Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. "
• "History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by ..."
• "Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary ..."
• "I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people ..."
• "I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are ..."
• "Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend ..."
• "In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored ..."
• "Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes ..."
• "It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes ..."
• "Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is ..."
• "Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as ..."
• "Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. "
• "Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions. "
• "Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as ..."
• "Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities ..."
• "Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. "
• "Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. "
• "Mammon, n.: The god of the world's leading religion. "
• "Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, ..."
• "Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. "
• "Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. "
• "Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to ..."

• "Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - ..."
• "Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the ..."
• "Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to ..."
• "Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue. "
• "Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. "
• "Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. "
• "Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. "
• "Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy. "
• "Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public ..."
• "Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. "
• "Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of ..."
• "Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a ..."
• "Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to ..."
• "Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. "
• "Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. "
• "Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. "
• "Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited. "
• "Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever ..."
• "Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. "
• "Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows. "
• "Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which ..."
• "Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. "
• "Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making ..."
• "The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them ..."
• "The covers of this book are too far apart. "
• "The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling. "
• "The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff. "
• "The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous ..."
• "The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of ..."
• "There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. "
• "To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice. "
• "Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself ..."
• "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. "
• "We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They ..."
• "We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to ..."
• "What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war ..."
• "When you doubt, abstain. "
• "Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is - it is ..."