"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven."

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More quotes from: Mark Twain

• "A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, ..."
• "A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on ..."
• "A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. "
• "A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. "
• "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in ..."
• "A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read. "
• "A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. "
• "A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He ..."
• "Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. "
• "Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. "
• "Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. "
• "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. "
• "All generalizations are false, including this one. "
• "All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" - a strange complaint ..."
• "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. "
• "All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure. "
• "Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give ..."
• "Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. "
• "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it ..."
• "Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. "
• "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. "
• "Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul. "
• "Better a broken promise than none at all. "
• "Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man ..."
• "But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to ..."
• "By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. "
• "Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. "
• "Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. "
• "'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read. "
• "Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. "
• "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. "
• "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. "
• "Deep down in me I knowed it was a lie, and He knowed it. You ..."
• "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. "
• "Do something everyday that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for ..."
• "Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. "
• "Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. "
• "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. ..."
• "Don't let schooling interfere with your education. "
• "Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you ..."
• "Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream. "
• "Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where ..."
• "'Don't you worry, and don't you hurry.' I know that phrase by heart, and if ..."
• "Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any ..."
• "Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. "
• "Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold. "
• "Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. "
• "Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. "
• "Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect ..."
• "Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. "
• "Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. "
• "Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it. "
• "From his cradle to his grave a man never does a single thing which has ..."
• "George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could ..."
• "Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. "
• "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done ..."
• "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. "
• "God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. "
• "Going to law is losing a cow for the sake of a cat. "
• "Golf is a good walk spoiled. "
• "Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we ..."
• "Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. "
• "Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy ..."
• "Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, ..."
• "He is now rising from affluence to poverty. "
• "He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring ..."
• "Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. "
• "Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. "
• "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of ..."
• "I am different from Washington. I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could ..."
• "I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. "
• "I can live for two months on a good compliment. "
• "I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem ..."
• "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of ..."
• "I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one ..."
• "I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have ..."
• "I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that ..."
• "I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you ..."
• "I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a ..."
• "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. "
• "I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. "
• "I have no color prejudices nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. All I care to ..."
• "I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping. "
• "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a ..."

• "I never let schooling interfere with my education. "
• "I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - ..."
• "I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him ..."
• "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I ..."
• "I've never let my school interfere with my education. "
• "Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to ..."
• "If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the ..."
• "If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any ..."
• "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite ..."
• "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. "
• "In Boston they ask, how much does he know? In New York, how much is ..."
• "In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through ..."
• "In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did ..."
• "In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school ..."
• "In the real world, nothing happens at the right place at the right time. It ..."
• "In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. "
• "It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it ..."
• "It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know ..."
• "It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native ..."
• "It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and ..."
• "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a ..."
• "It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it ..."
• "It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three ..."
• "It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral ..."
• "It is easier to stay out than get out. "
• "It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it ..."
• "It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of ..."
• "It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of ..."
• "It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. "
• "It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss ..."
• "It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. "
• "It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. "
• "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the ..."
• "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, ..."
• "Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, ..."
• "Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. "
• "Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. ..."
• "Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one. "
• "Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be ..."
• "Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can ..."
• "Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than ..."
• "Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of ..."
• "Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting ..."
• "Loyalty to petrified opinion never broke a chain or freed a human soul. "
• "Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. "
• "Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it. "
• "Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was ..."
• "Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to. "
• "Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. "
• "Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to ..."
• "Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. "
• "Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. "
• "Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the ..."
• "My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks ..."
• "My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed ..."
• "Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident. "
• "Necessity is the mother of taking chances. "
• "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. "
• "No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon. "
• "Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if ..."
• "Not until you become a stranger to yourself will you be able to make acquaintance ..."
• "Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. "
• "October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The ..."
• "Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the ..."
• "Once you've put one of his [Henry James] books down, you simply can't pick it ..."
• "One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a ..."
• "Only a government that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for ..."
• "Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ..."
• "Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law ..."
• "Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like ..."
• "Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to ..."
• "Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. "
• "Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks. "
• "Prosperity is the best protector of principle. "
• "Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But ..."
• "Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. "
• "She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you ..."
• "Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly ..."
• "Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. "
• "Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and ..."
• "Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the ..."
• "Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I ..."
• "The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. "

• "The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical ..."
• "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between ..."
• "The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R', except at the beginning of a ..."
• "The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; ..."
• "The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully ..."
• "The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the ..."
• "The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 ..."
• "The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring ..."
• "The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. "
• "The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in ..."
• "The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has ..."
• "The man that sets out to carry a cat by it's tail learns something that ..."
• "The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who ..."
• "The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an ..."
• "The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can ..."
• "The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are wrong. ..."
• "The Public is merely a multiplied "me." "
• "The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all. "
• "The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the ..."
• "The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. "
• "The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a ..."
• "The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. "
• "The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking ..."
• "The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in ..."
• "The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your ..."
• "The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed ..."
• "The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice. "
• "The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession. "
• "There are lies, damned lies and statistics. "
• "There are many humorous things in the world: among them the white man's notion that ..."
• "There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep ..."
• "There are people who think that honesty is always the best policy. This is a ..."
• "There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. "
• "There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish ..."
• "There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable. "
• "There is more real pleasure to be gotten out of a malicious act, where your ..."
• "There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. "
• "There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. "
• "There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of ..."
• "Therein lies the defect of revenge: it's all in the anticipation; the thing itself is ..."
• "Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. "
• "Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work. "
• "To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler ..."
• "To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. "
• "To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence. "
• "Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage ..."
• "Travel has no longer any charm for me. I have seen all the foreign countries ..."
• "Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ..."
• "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to ..."
• "Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. "
• "Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch; nay, you ..."
• "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't ..."
• "Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. "
• "Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. "
• "We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world. "
• "We are all alike, on the inside. "
• "We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay ..."
• "We had the sky up there, and we used to lay on our backs and ..."
• "We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and ..."
• "We have not all had the good fortune to be ladies. We have not all ..."
• "We never become really and genuinely our entire and honest selves until we are dead ..."
• "We owe a deep debt of gratitude to Adam, the first great benefactor of the ..."
• "What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody ..."
• "What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only ..."
• "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. "
• "When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive ..."
• "When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. "
• "When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone ..."
• "When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. "
• "When in doubt tell the truth. "
• "When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. "
• "When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure ..."
• "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause ..."
• "Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a ..."
• "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It ..."
• "Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. "
• "Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to ..."
• "Words are only painted fire; a book is the fire itself. "
• "Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a ..."
• "Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. "
• "Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. "
• "You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. "