"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."

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More quotes from: Erma Bombeck

• "A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. "
• "A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her ..."
• "A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest. "
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• "Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. "
• "Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to ..."
• "Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you ..."
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• "Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs ..."
• "Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat ..."
• "Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "
• "Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "
• "Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don't know why no one ..."
• "Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to ..."
• "For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not ..."
• "For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into ..."
• "God created man, but I could do better. "
• "Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come ..."
• "Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of ..."
• "Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "
• "Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in ..."
• "House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go ..."
• "Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity. "
• "Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "
• "How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "
• "Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's ..."
• "I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "
• "I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense ..."
• "I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, ..."
• "I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a ..."
• "I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their ..."
• "I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are ..."
• "I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman ..."
• "I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only ..."

• "I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too ..."
• "I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "
• "I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself." "
• "I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing ..."
• "I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it ..."
• "I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "
• "I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage ..."
• "If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally ..."
• "If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "
• "In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "
• "In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from ..."
• "It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car ..."
• "It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion ..."
• "It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "
• "Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to ..."
• "Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up ..."
• "Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" ..."
• "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car ..."
• "Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "
• "Mother's words of wisdom: "Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!" "
• "My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until ..."
• "My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the ..."
• "My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block ..."
• "Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The ..."
• "Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you ..."
• "Never accept a drink from a urologist. "
• "Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "
• "Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all ..."
• "Never have more children than you have car windows. "
• "Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. "
• "Never order food in excess of your body weight. "
• "No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who ..."
• "No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. "

• "On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off ..."
• "Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw ..."
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• "Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time. "
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• "Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call ..."
• "Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip. "
• "Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket ..."
• "Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. "
• "Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into ..."
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• "The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served ..."
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• "There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've ..."
• "There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and ..."
• "There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look ..."
• "There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that ..."
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• "There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and ..."
• "What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions ..."
• "When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's ..."
• "When humor goes, there goes civilization. "
• "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that ..."
• "When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now ..."
• "When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere ..."
• "Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a ..."
• "Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. "
• "You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you ..."
• "You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't ..."
• "Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can ..."