"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."

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More quotes from: Erma Bombeck

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• "A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest. "
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• "Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. "
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• "Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. "
• "Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. "
• "Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don't know why no one ..."
• "Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to ..."
• "For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not ..."
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• "Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're ..."
• "God created man, but I could do better. "
• "Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come ..."
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• "Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. "
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• "House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go ..."
• "Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity. "
• "Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. "
• "How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? "
• "Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's ..."
• "I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. "
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• "I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, ..."
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• "I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their ..."
• "I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are ..."
• "I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman ..."

• "I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only ..."
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• "I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. "
• "I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself." "
• "I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing ..."
• "I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it ..."
• "I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. "
• "I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage ..."
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• "If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "
• "In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. "
• "In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from ..."
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• "It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion ..."
• "It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. "
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• "Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up ..."
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• "Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown. "
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• "Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The ..."
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• "Never accept a drink from a urologist. "
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• "No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. "
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