Entertainer quotes

The funny thing about Thanksgiving, or any huge meal, is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it and then chopping and cooking and braising and blanching. Then it takes 20 minutes to eat it and everybody sort of sits around in a food coma, and then it takes four hours to clean it up.

Coaches have to watch for what they don't want to see and listen to what they don't want to hear.

The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer.

Although I don't take myself very seriously, I do take my work extraordinarily seriously.

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.

If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is - holy war.

In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.

Ours is a government of checks and balances. The Mafia and crooked businessmen make out checks, and the politicians and other compromised officials improve their bank balances.